Sunday, November 22, 2009

Feelin' Weird...

Ok, so here's the first real journal-type entry for this thing.

I feel weird, I mean really weird. I don't know if it's just that my body has still not fully adjusted to daylight savings or what but all this weekend I have felt bizarre. Time is going by way too fast and I can't hold on to it. It's nighttime before I notice it and I constantly feel like I'm wasting days when all I want to do is relax. I still have this overwhelming feeling that I am disappointing someone, somewhere by not doing this or not doing that when I am pretty sure it's not true.

I'd like to make it clear that this weekend was great. I got to see my Dad and realized just how much I've needed him these past few months. It's really hard to communicate a souls longing for comfort over the phone. I would talk to my parents, tell them everything that's been going on, make it clear to them that I'm in over my head and feel better after. However, once I saw my dad and hugged him I realized just how much of my once ordinary I have been missing. I haven't seen my family for a period of greater than a few days since last Christmas break. I need something stable. Andy has been fantastic but he's not as rock-steady as family.

I need to put together a ten minute presentation about what literature I will be using in my research by Tuesday afternoon and need to write up nine lesson plans by Thursday evening. I've gotten started on both of these things but they just seem to be hills that I cannot climb. I have decided to lock myself in the library tomorrow after my internship and just get it over with but I have a feeling that, by not doing them right now that makes me a failure. This is preposterous, I know, but it's just crushing me.

I feel so strange and so irritated over nothing, ugh.

Now that I have reminded myself of what I need to do before I can truly enjoy my trip to Maine everything has kinda gone to hell.

My shrink has suggested that rather than telling myself compliments, which feels so unnatural and silly that I can't even begin to consider doing such a thing, that I should pretend that the compliments are coming from my friends. When she gave the suggestion it made more sense to me but now that I think about it I don't think I'll be able to do it. Since I was very young I always had a feeling that people were friends to my face and then talked nothing but shit about me behind my back. Like people never really liked me and were only my friends to humor me. She said that I should probably write them from the perspective of my father after I talked to her about how excited I was to see him. I know my father loves me and thinks nothing but wonderful things about me so I don't know if saying what he would say would do any good because it's the people who don't tell me how they feel about me that cause me the most psychological damage, that I feel the most threatened by.

Threatened really is the word here...

1 comment:

  1. As terribly bourgeois as it sounds/is, I think there's just a general malaise associated with getting out of college. The hope and potential of careers and infinite life possibilities not realized fade as realities set in. At least that's why I feel stagnant with so much time wasting. Your mileage may vary, I dunno.

    As for the suspicion, have you thought of asking the people whose opinions you're worried about what they really think of you? Sometimes they might be more candid than you expect.

    Also, for what it's worth, antidepressants have really helped me (this time, anyway). I don't know how bad things are, but I can definitely tell a difference since I started taking them.